How could I be her girl crush?!
At my old job, I often didn't see colleagues who worked in different practice groups. We sat on different floors and would likely only interact in passing or at firm functions. There was one woman who I'd see here or there, but found her intimidating. She was senior to me and worked on mass tort cases with high stakes. She seemed very "no nonsense." I assumed she didn't know my name. I remember the night she made partner (watch me explain it here) and thinking it was incredibly well-deserved. But I'm not sure if I ever congratulated her on the promotion because I figured she wouldn't care what I thought or welcome a conversation. (Not proud of that one.)
By 2016, we'd been practicing together for over ten years. She left the firm that summer and I figured I'd never see her again. She was going to a big NYC firm to do even bigger work. If our paths didn't cross while we worked one floor apart, and if we had never had a conversation, why would I ever see her again?
Five years passed. Then, I started to see her posts and comments pop up on LinkedIn last year. The algorithm liked her, or at least liked her and me together She started to support my JMT Speaks posts -- and I don't mean with a simple "like," but with consistent, thoughtful comments. Hmm. I was pleasantly surprised. I stalked her profile and learned she was personally and professionally dedicated to advancing women. Then she sent me a DM.
The rest is history.
We became friends and quickly learned we had a LOT in common. This week, she confessed that I was her girl crush and idol the entire time we practiced together. WHAT?! She explained she never put herself out there to strike up a friendship because of fear of rejection. She shared her assumption that no one would like her because she was inadequate. So she shut herself away, working all day and rushing home to her daughters. Read more about her poignant and honest thoughts here.
I share this story for so many reasons. I don't have the space to go through them all here, so here are my top five lessons:
The danger of false assumptions. She assumed no one would like her. I assumed she didn't know my name. Thanks to those assumptions, we lost out on a friendship that could have started in 2006. This is a classic example of what happens when you ass-u-me. Her words in that blog resonated with me so much; I wish we could have shared our common feelings and supported each other then.
The power of personal evolution. She and I have both changed a lot from those days we worked together. We have each learned valuable lessons about honesty and vulnerability -- and have woven those lessons into the fabric of our authentic lives and work. Without our personal evolution, we'd never have crossed paths again.
The importance of putting yourself out there. I mean this in two ways. First, she was the first to support me on social media. She didn't have to do that (but man, I'm glad she did!) and had no idea how I'd react. She also didn't have to share with me or her readers her insecurities and prior fears. When she did, her post resonated with so many. Check out those comments!
You never know where life leads. If you'd have told me in 2016 that today I'd: (1) no longer be practicing law; (2) be an entrepreneur; (3) be writing a newsletter, never mind this very one about my friendship with this woman, I'd have said you're NUTS. But here I am. Close corollary: keep an open mind!
There is power in social media! I don't use Facebook, Twitter, or TikTok. I'm on Instagram but spend the most time on LinkedIn. I've used it the longest and am the most comfortable with it. Sure, the obvious use is for networking and business purposes, but I owe this friendship to LinkedIn. I've also made "internet friends" with like-minded women like Jenn Deal and Angela Han, lawyers who are also life coaches, all thanks to LinkedIn.
Thank you to Michelle Bufano for putting herself out there and supporting me in every way. And for the record, yeah, my pantyhose ran all the time (I kept spares in my office) and I always wore Uggs under my desk because heels kill my 9W feet.
Three cheers for #womensupportingwomen!
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