Lessons I Learned When I Lost "The Plan" and Found Myself Again

This essay originally appeared in the New Jersey Women Lawyer’s Association 2018 Gala Journal and was then posted on the National Association of Female Executives Career Blog on June 19, 2018.

When I was in high school, I wrote a column called "On Marino's Mind." The topics ranged from taking my driver's test to the vocabulary of the cast of Dawson's Creek. I thought I would be a writer. Then, I joined the mock trial team. That was it. I decided to become a lawyer. Something about building a case and presenting an argument reeled me in. As a Type A overachiever even at a young age, I came up with my plan: college, law school, and law firm. So off I went.

I attended law school right after college. My only deviation from The Plan was a judicial clerkship because hey, what 17-year-old really knows about those? Otherwise, I was on track. I joined a large regional law firm three weeks after my 26th birthday. Suffice it to say, for the next eight years, I worked really hard. Then, several months after I turned 34, it paid off: I was elevated to non-equity partner. I had done it! It was time to focus on the next step: making equity partner so I could solidify my place at the firm.

But why was I so unhappy?

Don’t get me wrong. I was extremely proud of my accomplishments. I was honored to be a partner at the firm, particularly one of the youngest and one of the few women partners in my practice group. I truly enjoyed the people I worked with and was humbled to work alongside, and learn from, such brilliant lawyers. I had developed business and was confident I had the potential to continue to do so.

Yet over the years, I had the nagging feeling that what I was doing wasn't a fit as I anticipated it would be. As silly as it sounds, I didn't love the contentiousness of litigation. Sure, I liked delving into the law, drafting arguments, and then presenting my position. But I could never really get used to the ever-evolving deadlines or lack of control over my schedule. I was never afraid of hard work, but I often felt like I was running back-to-back marathons.

It dawned on me that I had been so busy planning for the future that I had lost sight of the present. I never stopped to ask myself if I truly enjoyed what I was doing. I just focused on The Plan. The more I thought, the more I realized that I had totally lost myself in pursuit of The Plan. I had given up my hobbies. After canceling too many weekend plans with family and friends so I could work, I just stopped making them. I sacrificed my health and it had taken a physical toll.

A sense of panic started to set in. Now was the time to hone my business development skills to aim for equity partnership, not to question The Plan. I tried to stay on track, but it grew harder. I was nagged by self-doubt. Ironically, although I lost my sense of self, I didn't know who I was if I wasn't a partner at the firm. It had become my identity. I didn't know what else I could do aside from practice law at the firm. I was afraid of what my colleagues, friends, and family would think if I left. I was scared both to leave and to stay. I knew I had to leave, but fear of change, failure, and taking a risk paralyzed me.

As these things go, a new job opportunity came my way. It was so far off The Plan that I didn't think I could do it: leave the practice of law and become a senior legal editor at a large, international company. Who, me? I tried to think of all the reasons I should stay. I had just returned to the firm from maternity leave and was working four days a week. Certainly, it wasn't the time to take a risk on a new job. I had a good thing going. I had worked my tail off to become a partner at a large firm and had practiced for nearly 11 years. Wouldn't it be crazy to leave?

But I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I was unhappier than ever. It finally hit me: I had to be the best version of myself for my son. Staying with The Plan for The Plan's sake wasn't doing anyone any good. I had to believe in myself if one day I ever wanted to tell my son to believe in himself and reach for the stars. So I ditched The Plan and took a leap.

And guess what? It turns out that I can be successful at another job outside of the firm and the practice of law. My training as a litigator prepared me for a job not litigating. In my new role, I immensely enjoy using my skill set to tackle new issues in a different way. Not to mention, I kind of get to combine my passion for writing and the law, although my day job is much, much different than "On Marino's Mind."

Don't get me wrong: I still work really hard. But I'm easier on myself. I am present in my own life. I'm finding myself again by re-discovering old hobbies and pursuing new interests. Most importantly, I am happy, and for that reason, I feel like I can be the mother that my son deserves.

So for those of you who feel stuck, or may be wondering what else you can do in this profession, I'm a testament to the fact that yes, you can change course. You can ditch The Plan. You can go off path. If you were nodding your head in agreement or empathy when you read my words, my unsolicited advice to you is as follows:

• Pause to reevaluate the plan (if you have one). Be honest with yourself about what you want now and what you wanted then. Are they the same? Are you happy? If the answer to either of those questions is no, it's time to put yourself first again.

• Take a risk, a chance, or both. A risk is an opportunity that seems "dangerous," but a chance is something you aren't totally sure about. Pick one or both at some point in your career, or you'll regret it. If you're a planner like me, you probably need to go off course for once in your life.

• Believe in yourself. Too often, we think that we couldn't possibly do something different because we have done one thing for so long. That's silly! Lawyers are trained to handle the new and unexpected. Go for it! I'll bet you'll be glad that you did.