Is it ok for women to be funny?
I remember the first time someone called me funny. It was way back when I was an associate at a law firm. My reaction was two-fold: excitement and anxiety.
I was excited because I never thought of myself as funny. Like, ever. For whatever reason, I equated being funny with being cool, so as a self-professed uncool person, I was flattered. At the same time, I was worried. Was it ok to be funny? I wanted to be taken seriously! I calmed down when I told myself that if anything, I was witty. I was naturally quick on my feet -- whether it be in a courtroom or a conversation.
Fast forward many years to last Friday. Before work, I was listening to the latest episode of a podcast I love, We Can Do Hard Things podcast, and the guest was Julia Louis-Dreyfus. (Swoon! She's the best!). One of the first topics host Amanda Doyle broached with JLD was her education at an all girls' school and why being around other girls allowed her to be funny and outspoken. I snapped to attention. I went to public school and never thought about this before.
JLD explained that being around all girls from grades 3-12 allowed her to be direct and assertive. She commented that she didn't think she would have given herself permission to act that way if boys were around; instead, she would have toned down her humor -- to get the boys to like her. Host Abby Wambach observed that boys are typically "supposed" to be funny, not girls. That space really isn't reserved for us.
That's when the memory came back and it all clicked into place. The person who told me I was funny so many years ago was male. I had made some quips in a meeting and remembered he looked pleasantly surprised. Maybe it was because girls aren't supposed to be funny; maybe it was because I was indeed serious so it was unexpected; maybe it was just a passing comment. I'll never know.
But what I do know is this: the reason I felt worried in that moment is because I didn't give myself permission to be funny. I too assumed that boys were supposed to be funny, not girls. In school, the boys were the ones making jokes (or maybe acting like the class clown). Some girls were assertive and confident with boys around. But being funny? Witty? Clever? The girls I knew who fit that description -- maybe myself included -- did not act that way in front of the boys in class. Fascinating, right?
I began to think about how grateful I am that I settled into my wit along the way. It came with experience, maturity, confidence, and the willingness to put myself out there -- not every joke or comment lands, after all. Today, I would embrace "you're funny" as a complement and indeed, I describe myself as funny. I no longer feel excited or anxious about it because well, it just is. It's ME. If you're seen me speak, you know I weave humor and comedic relief throughout my talks. I speak about important personal and professional development topics, but as a storyteller sharing my experience, humor (often self-deprecating) is an important piece of the puzzle.
But here's the best part: later that same day, I was reading the Harvard Business Review while eating lunch. My jaw nearly dropped when I nearly scrolled past an article called: "Research: Being Funny Can Pay Off More for Women Than Men." This topic was coming up twice in the same day?! You cannot make this stuff up! (And that's when I decided I needed to write about it!)
The gist? Research suggests that women stand more to gain as leaders than men when it comes to being funny. Why? Humor displays warmth and competence -- traits we value in leaders regardless of their gender identity. But it's different for women. For us, if we're warm at work, we're not competent; but, if we're competent, we're seen as cold. HBR writes: "Humor offers an escape from this catch-22, enabling female speakers to project both warmth and competence at the same time."
Regardless of whether you agree with this research, let me say loud and clear: heck yes it's ok for women to be funny, whether it's at work, home, or elsewhere. In my humble opinion, the only issue is trying to be funny for the sake of this research. If you're not prone to humor, don't feel you need to force it to be seen as a leader. Being something other than yourself is hard to land or take past a certain point. (Oh, and if you are funny, that doesn't mean you are automatically ready to become a CEO. You need the chops, too!)
When you're authentically you, the rest falls into place. Trust me, this is one where I can lead by example.
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