It’s toxic. Don’t slip under.

“Toxic positivity is pressuring people to look on the bright side. They have to suppress anxiety, anger, sadness, and grief. Healthy support is shielding people from the dark side. You invite them to express their pain, and show them they're not alone and won't feel it forever." -- Adam Grant

I posted this quote to my Instagram story a few days ago and PEOPLE HAD THOUGHTS. It ranged from, "You don't know how timely this is" to "I needed to hear this" to "What's your take on toxic positivity?" So I thought I'd answer that question here.

If you've been following me here or on social media for a bit, you know I'm a positive person. What you don't know is that I wasn't always that way. I called myself a realist, but I was really a pessimist. I saw the glass half empty instead of half full. I was down on my luck. If you showed me any of the upbeat, positive quotes I share now, I'd wave them off and say they weren't for me. I never made lemonade out of any lemons.

So what changed?

There was no eureka moment or single, defining event. In retrospect, it was really the combination of becoming a mother and leading my life with authenticity. When I reevaluated what was important to me and followed the direction of my moral compass, the negative vibes seemed to melt away. I started living for myself, on my own terms. And it turned out... I'm pretty positive!

Which brings me to the question at hand. Let's think of positivity as a blanket. Yes, you read that correctly. Positivity can be that fuzzy blanket you snuggle up with to keep warm or to feel comfortable. Kind of like a Snuggie (do they still make those?) you wear while eating popcorn on the couch or working at your desk. I equate this type of positivity with having a sunny outlook. The blanket feels good and is exactly what you need at that moment. So you reach for it, put it on, and it feels just right at that moment. Or, when someone hands it to you, you say, "Yes! This is just what I was looking for. Thanks!"

But positivity can also be a blanket that suffocates you. The blanket is over your head and it's blocking out everything that you need to see and feel. The blanket is supposed to be comforting but it's not. Someone offers you the blanket because, in many cases, they're well-intended. They see you're uncomfortable and are trying to "fix" it -- or you. But... the the blanket is stifling. It may even be scratchy and annoying. In any event, you don't want or need it. You want to see and feel everything else. You'll get the blanket when you're ready, thank you very much. That's toxic positivity.

And I'm not here for it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I define authenticity as being honest, true, original, and genuine. It's the opposite of being a fraud, fake, or imposter. Covering up real emotions and pretending to be something you're not is the antithesis of leading an authentic life. Not to mention, authenticity requires vulnerability, which in turn, allows us to forge meaningful connections with others. How can we be our true selves if we're plastering on fake smiles or encouraging others to choke down some lemonade when they really need to chill out with some lemons? How can we really connect with someone else when we're not putting our real selves out there? Spoiler alert: the answer to both questions is: "We can't!"

So here's what I've learned: the next time the inclination is to offer someone a positivity blanket, think about whether they really need it. Or whether they need to simply know you're holding it, ready for them, when they ask for it. And you'll snuggle under the blanket with them whenever they're ready.

Not to mention, it's ok not to be ok, happy, and upbeat all the time. There's no need for positivity and happiness 24/7 because... well, that's fake and unrealistic. Allow yourself and others to feel everything you and they need to feel. On everyone's own terms, and in their own time.

So there you have it. That's my take on toxic positivity. What's yours?

P.S. Next time you're snuggled up with your blanket and have some time to kill, consider watching Inside Out. It's a kids' movie, but it does an awesome job explaining WHY we need to feel ALL our emotions, not just happy and excited. Sadness, anger, grief, and loneliness are parts of us, too. All these different feelings are what make us uniquely us and give us the opportunity to grow -- and appreciate the happy parts even more.

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