“Should” you really?

"I should exercise more." "I should work less." "I should spend more time with my family." "I should volunteer more." "I should get up earlier." "I should cook more." <Sigh.>

Seriously, is "should" a four-letter word? I know, I know -- it has six letters. But what I mean is, do we need to wash this word out of our mouths with soap as if we used an expletive? I'm more offended by the self-harm this word inflicts than use of a real swear word.

I've been "should-ing" myself recently and noticed that when I engage in this negative self-talk, two things happen. First, I'm on the defensive -- with myself. Second, I doubt my self-worth. Because if I'm not doing something I "should" be doing, then I must be doing something wrong. Right? Agh!

Here's what I'm trying instead:

• Asking myself "why." For example, "Why do I think I should cook more?" Is it because I feel guilty that my husband does the cooking? Am I embarrassed that I can make only simple dishes? Do I feel guilty that as a mom and wife, I "should" do "better"? Ding! Ding! Ding! Tapping into the "why" helps gain perspective. Because for some "shoulds," like me and cooking, we may find that the "why" is society's expectation or self-imposed pressure. 

• Rephrasing the "should." This allows me to recast the "should" so it's aspirational and connected to my goal. As in, "I would like to learn to cook more dishes so I can make, serve, and eat a variety of meals." Now the should becomes a goal to strive for instead of something I'm at fault for not doing. Adding my "why" also motivates me to achieve the "should" -- on my own terms, when I'm ready. (I'm not pulling off any culinary feats anytime soon!)

Let's stop worrying about what we're supposed to do -- and let go of the guilt when we don't, can't, or won't do what we "should." 

P.S. And by all means, pick a better four-letter word to use!

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