Target run not done
As I wheeled my cart out of Target a few weeks ago, my brain did a bunch of mental gymnastics. I remember thinking about the oppressive heat, the menu for the book event I was hosting the following week, whether I would join my family and friends at the town pool later that day, my next newsletter, and so on. This was in the span of less than one minute.
When I got to my car and popped the trunk, I looked down at my cart and realized I had forgotten to pay for the two cartons of sparkling water on the bottom rack. Rats. It seemed like bad karma not to go back in the store and pay, so I breathed a huge sigh, shut the trunk, and made my way back inside.
My brain continued to ping pong everywhere as I waited on the self checkout line. I vaguely remember going through the motions. Without fully being present, I went back to my car, unloaded, and drove home. Only to realize I had forgotten the cartons underneath my cart.
Honestly, I could not make this up.
I began to curse myself and how stupid I was, calling myself an idiot, vowing to get my life together. I was especially bitter because I typically don't buy sparkling water anymore -- we use a Sodastream.
After closing out June, I completely and utterly fizzled out. I won't call it burnout because, as I speak about in some of my keynotes, the World Health Organization defines burnout as an occupational phenomenon connected to work marked by cynicism, doubting your professional efficacy... and exhaustion. Yep, that last one speaks to me: I was and am exhausted. I have also been unmotivated, which is hard to admit, yet true.
So for the past two weeks, I have been quiet. I let my JMT Speaks emails sit for a few days before responding. I rarely check or engage on LinkedIn. I am focusing on managing my lymphedema during a heat wave (a part-time job within itself!). I sleep 7.5 hours each night, cutting down my morning workouts because I believe sleep is the self-care I need right now. Overall, I'm managing what I can manage right now. And I'm ok with that.
As I reflect, I know the self-judgment and name-calling was ineffective and unfair. Losing the $10 on sparkling water was worth the priceless lesson to slow down and rest for a bit. I also know I need to give myself grace at this time after a rewarding yet busy season. Whether you are experiencing exhaustion now or have in the past. I'm here to say I see you -- and I hope you give yourself grace (and space!) too.
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