It’s ok not to be ok
"Do you ever feel like just giving up?" When I asked my husband this the other night, he immediately looked at me with concern and surprise. I quickly added that I was referring to my lymphedema and how I was frustrated and aggravated. I was tired of it all: the wrapping, the re-swelling, the PT eating into my day and causing work to bleed into my nights. I was just... over it.
Resigned, I began my typical nighttime routine of wrapping my foot and leg: one stocking, two types of foam, three bandages, and a partridge in a pear tree. Ten minutes later, I was done and laid awake in bed, reflecting on all the feels. That night, all I could come up with is that it is ok not to be ok. It's ok to feel all the feels, even if my focus until then had been to remain optimistic and keep a sense of humor.
The next day, I got curious about why I felt so frustrated. It is not like me to flirt with quitting. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks: summer is drawing to a close. The days are getting shorter. School starts in a few weeks. My inbox is full of fall fashion finds. But... lymphedema was my hot girl summer joke. Now, I'm unexpectedly carrying it into a new season. What happens when the temperatures drop and the only shoe I can wear remains my cushy sandals?
I don't know the answer, but I do know that time will tell and I will figure it out. In the interim, I've concluded that I cannot give up. Sure, I'm allowed to be frustrated. But I didn't come this far just to come this far. (That one was for all your Drake and Kim K fans!) The feelings of frustration reignited my fire. Frankly, they were rooted in a lack of control. So what could I control? My actions: later that day at PT, I asked questions about my wrapping technique and learned I can take a lighter touch. Less is indeed more. I asked about the custom garments I'll receive and what they will do. It's true what they say: knowledge is power and I'm feeling strong.
I share this all because my hope is something in this story resonates: the fact that we're human; the fact that it's ok to feel all the feels; and the fact that staying curious may broaden our self-perspective and lead to some improvement. Whatever it is that spoke to you, please take that sentiment with you as you move through your day and week -- and share it with someone who needs to hear it.
If you're curious how I am feeling now, I'll let my super cool Bitmoji do the talking for me. (Yup, I'm in a chambray shirt because I have about seven and they're my go-to work shirt, and one goal of my lymphedema treatment is to fit back into my beloved slippers... my Crocs!)
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